Sunday, 4 October 2009

Review: Turner And The Masters


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ART
Turner And The Masters
Tate Britain
5/5

IN A NUTSHELL
JMW Turner pits himself against the great names of art in a blockbuster exhibition that tells a compelling story.


Picture: JMW Turner, Dutch Boats in a Gale (The Bridgewater Sea Piece) Exhibited 1801. Private collection

REVIEW
It might on paper sound like a Channel 5 pop doc or a high-brow fantasy fiction mash-up, but JMW Turner going head to head with the Old Masters in the ultimate brush-off may well just be the 19th century painter's dream realised.

For as this blockbuster exhibition confirms, Britain's favourite artist actively sought comparison with the icons who went before. Less reverentially, he fostered a keen sense of rivalry with his contemporaries - sometimes coming off a poor second.

While he professed he paid homage to the past "con amore", there's no escaping the sense that Turner was constantly measuring his worth against the greats in a calculated strategy to fix his own immortality.

If you want evidence, there's evidence. John Constable's Opening Of Waterloo Bridge and Turner's Helvoetsluys are placed side by side for the first time since their unveiling in 1832.

Back then Constable was still feverishly adding colour as the painting hung on the wall at the Royal Academy when, with a flourish, Turner arrived and added a circle of red to his own more muted seascape as if to say - less is more, old friend. "He's been here and fired a gun," said Constable in response.

So there's drama in the juxtaposition of Turner and his heroes and rivals. But, away from the adrenalin of one-upmanship, the exhibition, room by room, offers a simple narrative on Turner's restless struggle to capture his trademark hazy style and his self-conscious challenging of artistic conventions.

From his slavish copying of his early days and his fidgety combative challenge to himself over technique, a singular voice begins to emerge. His attempts to emulate the Masters expose his weaknesses - form and figure - and his strengths - landscape impressionism - pinballing him towards the moment he fully flowers in an explosion of colour and energy.

"Atmosphere is my strength," he finally concedes, almost breathlessly, in the last of the six packed rooms once his long expedition through the history of art is done.

The Tate Britain has worked marvels to prise some heady masterpieces from the Louvre and other major galleries (Rembrandt's The Mill and Poussin's La Deluge are just two such coups). So, for the first time in many cases, direct and obvious comparisons can be made between Turner and Titian, Claude Lorrain, van de Velde, Canaletto, Rubens et al, just as he had wished.

This is close to perfect for the Turner newcomer, who can experience and understand what he was trying to do and when and why he was trying to do it.

The exhibition has been years in the planning and no doubt entailed lengthy emails, lots of arm twisting and sleepless caffeine-fuelled nights. Worth it, worth it, worth it.

This combination of beauty, context and big name art makes for a substantial exhibition and, crucially in its quest to capture a wider audience, a compelling story of feuds, trials, triumph and magnificence.

Turner And The Masters is undoubtedly the real thing.

Until January 31, 2010.

Review: Sure And Certain Death


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BOOK
Sure And Certain Death by Barbara Nadel
Headline, £19.99
1/5

IN A NUTSHELL
An East London already subject to the Luftwaffe's attentions fears that the Ripper is at work once more.

REVIEW
East London is rife with rumour - there's a new Ripper at work, using the cover and indifference created by the Blitz, a more effective and grislier killer, to pursue a bloody quest to do away with women of an uncertain age but with an uncertain connection.

A reluctant investigator fills in where the second rate police fail. His name is Francis Hancock and he is well placed to go a-hunting as a funeral director, although he is dogged with flashbacks of the trenches of the Great War and seen as an outsider because of his Asian background.

From this promising beginning and with an impeccably realised setting, author Barbara Nadel frustrates the reader, not by the usual means of red herrings, blind alleys and the steady accumulation of evasive clues, but by doing nothing much for 200-or-so pages before wrapping the piece up neatly with a loosely-tied melodramatic bow.

Pity that such a great background is wasted with vague plotting and indistinct characterisation.

Francis Hancock is a case in point - a theoretically interesting construct - his supposed psychological flaws are no more than irritations. He resorts to reminding us he's bonkers in case we should be unconvinced by his timely bouts of anguish.


Review: Who's Afraid Of Jane Austen?


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ESSAYS
Who's Afraid Of Jane Austen? by Henry Hitchings
Published by John Murray, £7.99
2/5


IN A NUTSHELL
The author aims to bring the big beasts of literature down to a size snug enough to fit in your frontal lobe.


REVIEW
So many books, so little time. Henry Hitchings has an idea to tackle the imbalance.

This premature stocking filler is a collection of mini essays on the big hitters - the Austens, the Joyces, the Homers - with the stated aim of bringing the blighters down to size.

The book is subtitled ... "How To Really Talk About Books You Haven't Read" and the temptation to point out that a work aspiring to the affectation of literary snobbery should perhaps think again about the deployment of a split infinitive is too easy. So I won't go there.

Instead, I'll point out another flaw. The author talks about how books are talked about and talks about the "dangerous high-brow types" and how they talk about the books they talk about but fails to give the lowdown on the books themselves. No help there then.

However, these essays are broadly entertaining and informative in a general way.

Unfortunately, they also have the tone of a well-meaning school special assembly in which some colourfully-jumpered loon blows a raspberry and shouts "Hey kids, I'm Christopher Cannabis. See what fun I am." Pause. "But I'm deadly serious too."

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Spiral Notebook: Lists # 4


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Actual butterfly names that could also be symptoms of the strange disease caught on an exotic tropical holiday
Black veined white
Orange tip
Green hairstreak
Clouded yellow
Speckled wood

Kojak episode titles (true or false)
1. Die Before They Wake
2. Dead On His Feet
3. Dying To Meet You
4. Hush Now, Don't You Die
5. Cross Your Heart And Hope To Die
6. Deadly Nightshade
7. Life, Liberation And The Pursuit Of Death
8. When You Hear The Beep, Drop Dead
9. Died In The Wool
10. I Could Kill My Wife's Lawyer
(T: 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10; F: 3, 6, 9)

Possible presenters for the new BBC programme, Perils In The Woodland
Jakki Brambles
Frank Thorn
John Nettles
Emma B
Sting
John Craven

Actual spider species that could double as terms of abuse in a particularly bitter divorce case
Starbellied orbweaver
Yellow bandied tarantula
Agrarian sac spider
Thin-legged wolf spider
Spined micrathena
Goliath bird-eater
Hammer-jawed jumper
Robber baron cave meshweaver
Mumbasa baboon tarantula

Inadvisable balloon animals
Hedgehog
Porcupine
Electric eels
Octopus

Answers to last week's Sudoku (in numerical order)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Actual types of toasters that could also be code words in specialist adult contact magazines
Percher
Pincher
Slider
Drive thru
Flopper
Pop-up
Flat bed

Billy Joel songlist as drawn up by a prisoner pleading for legal representation to revisit his case
You Can Make Me Free
Got To Begin Again
Ain't No Crime
Get It Right First Time
Honesty
A Room Of My Own
An Innocent Man
We Didn't Start The Fire

Review: Churchill's Wizards


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NON-FICTION
Churchill's Wizards by Nicholas Rankin
Faber & Faber, £9.99
4/5

IN A NUTSHELL
An accessible and entertaining study of the "the British genius for deception" that helped win two world wars

REVIEW
It was Winston Churchill who said: "In war, resolution; in defeat, defiance; in victory, magnanimity." He could equally have added: "And, at all times, a little trickery."

For Churchill was a most mentally dextrous foe, prepared to consider any means in his quest to preserve Britain and empire.

While he loathed war, there was no doubt that the Boy's Own hero was never more engaged and alive than bringing wit, subterfuge and inventiveness to its execution.

In Nicholas Rankin's fascinating and brilliant book, anecdote, fact and explanation jostle for attention as he lays out the years 1914-1944 as the triumph of the British garden shed amateur with wheezes, bluffs, ruses and deceptions that foxed their opponents.

They were brilliantly outrageous and outrageously brilliant. From camouflage, inflatable tanks and fake airfields, to propaganda and the good old double-cross, this comprehensive work chronicles the unknown warriors who, egged on by Churchill, turned papier mache into a weapon of mass deception.

The book has an air of a military history but it reads like an extended Ealing caper with wags, wizards and, at the heart of it all, the redoubtable Winston.

Review: Adam (12A)


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FILM
Adam (12A)
2/5

IN A NUTSHELL
A loner with Asperger's syndrome and his new neighbour make a fragile connection in this off-beat New York romance.

REVIEW
Adam is a star-gazing loner with Asperger's syndrome. Teacher Beth has been scarred by life and is having a stab at solo flight. Flung together in a New York brownstone, this pair of winsome drifters collide in that awkward manner that lovers must do in Act One.

But here's the flaw in the big idea. Adam only appears to have Asperger's when it suits the plot. When a crisis is due, Adam comes over all Rain Man and starts cracking his head against things and banging his temples like a baboon dislodging Lego from its ear.

When the plot demands that Adam (Hugh Dancy) reaches out to Beth, he's suddenly that super-sensitive geek who takes his wounded paramour to see raccoons scampering around Central Park or spooning on their bed, "taking it slow". He's all cutesy smiles, thick brown jumpers and neat one-liners. ("I'm not Forrest Gump," he says when presented with a box of chocolates.)

And Beth? Well, there's nothing in Beth's (Rose Byrne) history to suggest that she would entertain the idea of becoming Adam's de facto mum just for some face time with a sweet guy. Especially when the face time is hallmarked by Adam's David Blunkett-a-like eye twitchery, as though he's forever tracing the flightpath of a mosquito on Magner's.

This is a slight tale, shot beautifully, using the burnished colours of autumnal New York and some stylish cinematography to good effect. Writer-director Max Mayer's movie is not without its interesting ideas and tender touches, not least because Dancy and Byrne make the most of wafer-thin roles by painting over the inconsistencies with daubs of sincerity.

But the overplayed subplots (a tacked-on tale of Beth's father facing fraud charges and Adam's hokey pal Harlan issuing life advice in handipack anecdotes) merely emphasize the paucity of genuine progress in the central romance.

So it's not Adam that has Asperger's (and shout if you've seen this coming) it's the movie itself, finding itself unable to engage, misreading minds and motives and preferring a sense of routine to exaggeration or excitement.

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Spiral Notebook: Lists # 3


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Things I'm not afraid of right now but probably will be at the appropriate time
Inuits.
Ebb tides.
Gravity.
Haunted mirrors.
Salmon farms.
Chess prodigies.

Freaked
(formerly known as UKTV Drugs)

8pm: Top Gear: Clarkson, Hammond and May test drive the latest turbo-driven steroids.
9pm: Rosemary & Thyme: Felicity Kendal and Pam Ferris tear through formal gardens in search of a legal high. This week: Vita Sackville West's Sissinghurst Castle Garden.
10pm: Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Divvying up the stash, the foul-mouthed Scot sneezes and the candy goes everywhere.
11pm: Cash In The Attic. Ex-tennis star Pat Cash sees out a bad trip hiding from the bad men in the loft.

Things I thought would be cute but turned out to be really annoying
Your kitten.
Your mole.
Your piccolo practice.
Your familiarity with property law.

Things I thought would be annoying but turned out to be really cute
Your sister.

Proverbs and Sayings
Advice offered by Health and Safety Executive

- A rolling stone gathers no moss.
(Wear steel-capped boots in all vertiginous quarry situations.)
- A watched pot never boils.
(However, tepid tea leaves no scars.)
- Laughter is the best medicine.
(Medicine is the best medicine.)
- Trust not a horse's heel nor a dog's tooth.
(Avoid all roadside hot dog stands unless officially licensed by an appropriate authority.)
- Tall oaks grow from little acorns.
(Stand well clear and contact designated Risk Manager.)

The Beatles if Harriet Harman ruled the world
John
Paula
Georgia
Ringo

Just So stories, Rudyard Kipling never published
- How the cat developed a chip on its shoulder and plotted revenge.
- How the polar bear evolved a prosperous image rights consultancy.
- How the three-toed sloth grew weary of the constant derogatory comments about its application to the task in hand.

Things worth seizing
The day.
The moment.
The means of production.
The initiative.
The remote control.


Saturday, 8 August 2009

Spiral Notebook: Lists # 2


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Things that would work better marketed as a honey nut cluster
Tamiflu
Body Shop seaweed pore cleansing facial exfoliator
Sugababes
Emmerdale

Bob Dylan songs in the form of Jeremy Kyle programme themes
Abandoned Love
Groom's Still Waiting At The Altar
Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance
I Am A Lonesome Hobo
Only A Pawn In Their Game
The Weight
Ugliest Girl In The World

Areas of attention that my ex-girlfriend said may need some slight adjustment
Everything I say
Everything I do
Everything I eat
Everything I wear
That thing I do with my arm

Shapes that were rejected by Oxo before they decided to go for the x-shaped block and reasons for rejection
1. Tessaract. Not possible in the three dimensional world.
2. Dodecadhedron. Name wouldn't fit on the pack.
3. Widescreen. Oxo not HD ready.
4. Meerkat. We thought of it first, dammit.

Tony Soprano's morning routine
Wake up
Get myself a gun

Answers to the Rorschach inkblot tests
1. Devil
2. Devil
3. Devil
4. Devil
5. Former PE teacher Mr Graham "Handsy" Hanson.
6. Devil

Substances found on the surface of complimentary pub peanuts
Sweat
Urine
Beer
Korma
Blue Stratos
Turpentine

Things I might find in the Land Of The Lost
Umbrella
Sunglasses
Ambition
Direction
Respect of my peers
A belief in a benign force greater than myself whose grand vision
encompasses a not insignificant role for me.

Review: Walking With Dinosaurs, The O2


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LIVE SHOW
Walking With Dinosaurs, The O2
4/5

IN A NUTSHELL
Full of life, grace and electronic wizardry, dinosaurs walk the earth again in the greatest show on prehistoric earth.

REVIEW
If I were my 11-year-old self I would want nothing more than to visit Jurassic era. If not, I would plump for Jurassic Park. If denied twice, third on my list would be to see Walking With Dinosaurs which would be far the most practical of the options, but no less awe-inspiring to a mind lassoed to a runaway imagination.

A ticket in my hand would see me quite unable to contain my excitement and my nine-year-old self would be frequently chastised for babbling incoherently about things prehistoric and charging chaotically around the house oblivious to the sharp edges of the coffee table.

I would camp out overnight for tickets. I wouldn't need to, because tickets would be available online, but my nine-year-old self would find camping out way more exciting. I would camp in the back garden, so it would not help ticket procurement greatly, but the shadows on the tent wall could be an unwieldy stegosaurus grazing on mum's daffs.

The day after I saw the show (ie, today) my nine-year-old self would dust down his masterwork The Lost Land of the Dinosaur and begin again where I left off, Part IV, Chapter 107 but, unable to contain my excitement at the magical spectacle I had witnessed the night before, and threatening to ruin the illustrations by colouring over the lines, my nine-year-old self would go into the garden and run round the rotary washing line for four hours until the adrenaline subsided.

The O2 was full of children, with their helium dino balloons and whirring dino colour fans, wildly excited, whipped up by parents asking them to gauge precisely how excited they were and would they sit back in their chairs as they were spilling their orange juice.


Spiral Notebook: Lists # 1


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Hamlet's psyche test answers

1. To be.
2. Statement (b) is nobler than statement (a)
3. Fig (a) Hawk. Fig (b) Handsaw
4. Insania by Peter Andre

Captions from classic Punch pocket cartoons (1840-90)
"That'll be the third time the gaslight has flared on a Thursday,
Cecil. Do something."
"I only speak quickly, my darling, because time is not on our side."
"You may inquire, m'lud, but the ensuing confusion may bring
proceedings to an unscheduled halt."

Gordon Brown's favourite Kinks tracks
I'm Not Like Everybody Else
Ev'rybody's Gonna Be Happy
Where Have All The Good Times Gone
Dead End Street
You Still Want Me

Proverbs and Sayings
Things other than fire that you could fight fire with:
Water
Foam
Dry powder
Carbon dioxide
Angel hair pasta

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Paul McCartney's early morning routine
7.30am. Wake up.
7.45am. Get out of bed.
7.50am. Drag a comb across my head.

Rampant Thesaurus goes to the movies
"Without beating about the bush, beloved, I'm not inclined to proffer
two hoots."
"Definitely returning, that's me!"
"Are you pursuing a conversation with the intention of engaging
myself? Are you pursuing a conversation with the intention of
engaging myself? Are you pursuing a conversation with the intention
of engaging myself? Because I'll be jiggered if I can identify
another soul to whom you could be directing your remarks."

Things you have mixed feelings about hearing from a complete stranger with whom you are trapped in an office lift.
1. "I only nipped out to go to the... uh oh."
2. "No, actually, this is good because we never really had a chance
to discuss what happened at Janice's party last year."
3. "I have an axe in my brief case if it comes to that."


– First published in The Wharf on July 30