Spiral Notebook: Lists # 4

Actual butterfly names that could also be symptoms of the strange disease caught on an exotic tropical holiday
Black veined white
Orange tip
Green hairstreak
Clouded yellow
Speckled wood

Kojak episode titles (true or false)
1. Die Before They Wake
2. Dead On His Feet
3. Dying To Meet You
4. Hush Now, Don't You Die
5. Cross Your Heart And Hope To Die
6. Deadly Nightshade
7. Life, Liberation And The Pursuit Of Death
8. When You Hear The Beep, Drop Dead
9. Died In The Wool
10. I Could Kill My Wife's Lawyer
(T: 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10; F: 3, 6, 9)

Possible presenters for the new BBC programme, Perils In The Woodland
Jakki Brambles
Frank Thorn
John Nettles
Emma B
Sting
John Craven

Actual spider species that could double as terms of abuse in a particularly bitter divorce case
Starbellied orbweaver
Yellow bandied tarantula
Agrarian sac spider
Thin-legged wolf spider
Spined micrathena
Goliath bird-eater
Hammer-jawed jumper
Robber baron cave meshweaver
Mumbasa baboon tarantula

Inadvisable balloon animals
Hedgehog
Porcupine
Electric eels
Octopus

Answers to last week's Sudoku (in numerical order)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Actual types of toasters that could also be code words in specialist adult contact magazines
Percher
Pincher
Slider
Drive thru
Flopper
Pop-up
Flat bed

Billy Joel songlist as drawn up by a prisoner pleading for legal representation to revisit his case
You Can Make Me Free
Got To Begin Again
Ain't No Crime
Get It Right First Time
Honesty
A Room Of My Own
An Innocent Man
We Didn't Start The Fire

Review: Churchill's Wizards

NON-FICTION
Churchill's Wizards by Nicholas Rankin
Faber & Faber, £9.99
4/5

IN A NUTSHELL
An accessible and entertaining study of the "the British genius for deception" that helped win two world wars

REVIEW
It was Winston Churchill who said: "In war, resolution; in defeat, defiance; in victory, magnanimity." He could equally have added: "And, at all times, a little trickery."

For Churchill was a most mentally dextrous foe, prepared to consider any means in his quest to preserve Britain and empire.

While he loathed war, there was no doubt that the Boy's Own hero was never more engaged and alive than bringing wit, subterfuge and inventiveness to its execution.

In Nicholas Rankin's fascinating and brilliant book, anecdote, fact and explanation jostle for attention as he lays out the years 1914-1944 as the triumph of the British garden shed amateur with wheezes, bluffs, ruses and deceptions that foxed their opponents.

They were brilliantly outrageous and outrageously brilliant. From camouflage, inflatable tanks and fake airfields, to propaganda and the good old double-cross, this comprehensive work chronicles the unknown warriors who, egged on by Churchill, turned papier mache into a weapon of mass deception.

The book has an air of a military history but it reads like an extended Ealing caper with wags, wizards and, at the heart of it all, the redoubtable Winston.

Review: Adam (12A)

FILM
Adam (12A)
2/5

IN A NUTSHELL
A loner with Asperger's syndrome and his new neighbour make a fragile connection in this off-beat New York romance.

REVIEW
Adam is a star-gazing loner with Asperger's syndrome. Teacher Beth has been scarred by life and is having a stab at solo flight. Flung together in a New York brownstone, this pair of winsome drifters collide in that awkward manner that lovers must do in Act One.

But here's the flaw in the big idea. Adam only appears to have Asperger's when it suits the plot. When a crisis is due, Adam comes over all Rain Man and starts cracking his head against things and banging his temples like a baboon dislodging Lego from its ear.

When the plot demands that Adam (Hugh Dancy) reaches out to Beth, he's suddenly that super-sensitive geek who takes his wounded paramour to see raccoons scampering around Central Park or spooning on their bed, "taking it slow". He's all cutesy smiles, thick brown jumpers and neat one-liners. ("I'm not Forrest Gump," he says when presented with a box of chocolates.)

And Beth? Well, there's nothing in Beth's (Rose Byrne) history to suggest that she would entertain the idea of becoming Adam's de facto mum just for some face time with a sweet guy. Especially when the face time is hallmarked by Adam's David Blunkett-a-like eye twitchery, as though he's forever tracing the flightpath of a mosquito on Magner's.

This is a slight tale, shot beautifully, using the burnished colours of autumnal New York and some stylish cinematography to good effect. Writer-director Max Mayer's movie is not without its interesting ideas and tender touches, not least because Dancy and Byrne make the most of wafer-thin roles by painting over the inconsistencies with daubs of sincerity.

But the overplayed subplots (a tacked-on tale of Beth's father facing fraud charges and Adam's hokey pal Harlan issuing life advice in handipack anecdotes) merely emphasize the paucity of genuine progress in the central romance.

So it's not Adam that has Asperger's (and shout if you've seen this coming) it's the movie itself, finding itself unable to engage, misreading minds and motives and preferring a sense of routine to exaggeration or excitement.

Spiral Notebook: Lists # 3

Things I'm not afraid of right now but probably will be at the appropriate time
Inuits.
Ebb tides.
Gravity.
Haunted mirrors.
Salmon farms.
Chess prodigies.

Freaked
(formerly known as UKTV Drugs)
8pm: Top Gear: Clarkson, Hammond and May test drive the latest turbo-driven steroids.
9pm: Rosemary & Thyme: Felicity Kendal and Pam Ferris tear through formal gardens in search of a legal high. This week: Vita Sackville West's Sissinghurst Castle Garden.
10pm: Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Divvying up the stash, the foul-mouthed Scot sneezes and the candy goes everywhere.
11pm: Cash In The Attic. Ex-tennis star Pat Cash sees out a bad trip hiding from the bad men in the loft.

Things I thought would be cute but turned out to be really annoying
Your kitten.
Your mole.
Your piccolo practice.
Your familiarity with property law.

Things I thought would be annoying but turned out to be really cute
Your sister.

Proverbs and Sayings
Advice offered by Health and Safety Executive
- A rolling stone gathers no moss.
(Wear steel-capped boots in all vertiginous quarry situations.)
- A watched pot never boils.
(However, tepid tea leaves no scars.)
- Laughter is the best medicine.
(Medicine is the best medicine.)
- Trust not a horse's heel nor a dog's tooth.
(Avoid all roadside hot dog stands unless officially licensed by an appropriate authority.)
- Tall oaks grow from little acorns.
(Stand well clear and contact designated Risk Manager.)

The Beatles if Harriet Harman ruled the world
John
Paula
Georgia
Ringo

Just So stories, Rudyard Kipling never published
- How the cat developed a chip on its shoulder and plotted revenge.
- How the polar bear evolved a prosperous image rights consultancy.
- How the three-toed sloth grew weary of the constant derogatory comments about its application to the task in hand.

Things worth seizing
The day.
The moment.
The means of production.
The initiative.
The remote control.

Spiral Notebook: Lists # 2

Things that would work better marketed as a honey nut cluster
Tamiflu
Body Shop seaweed pore cleansing facial exfoliator
Sugababes
Emmerdale

Bob Dylan songs in the form of Jeremy Kyle programme themes
Abandoned Love
Groom's Still Waiting At The Altar
Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance
I Am A Lonesome Hobo
Only A Pawn In Their Game
The Weight
Ugliest Girl In The World

Areas of attention that my ex-girlfriend said may need some slight adjustment
Everything I say
Everything I do
Everything I eat
Everything I wear
That thing I do with my arm

Shapes that were rejected by Oxo before they decided to go for the x-shaped block and reasons for rejection
1. Tessaract. Not possible in the three dimensional world.
2. Dodecadhedron. Name wouldn't fit on the pack.
3. Widescreen. Oxo not HD ready.
4. Meerkat. We thought of it first, dammit.

Tony Soprano's morning routine
Wake up
Get myself a gun

Answers to the Rorschach inkblot tests
1. Devil
2. Devil
3. Devil
4. Devil
5. Former PE teacher Mr Graham "Handsy" Hanson.
6. Devil

Substances found on the surface of complimentary pub peanuts
Sweat
Urine
Beer
Korma
Blue Stratos
Turpentine

Things I might find in the Land Of The Lost
Umbrella
Sunglasses
Ambition
Direction
Respect of my peers
A belief in a benign force greater than myself whose grand vision
encompasses a not insignificant role for me.

Review: Walking With Dinosaurs, The O2

LIVE SHOW
Walking With Dinosaurs, The O2
4/5

IN A NUTSHELL
Full of life, grace and electronic wizardry, dinosaurs walk the earth again in the greatest show on prehistoric earth.

REVIEW
If I were my 11-year-old self I would want nothing more than to visit Jurassic era. If not, I would plump for Jurassic Park. If denied twice, third on my list would be to see Walking With Dinosaurs which would be far the most practical of the options, but no less awe-inspiring to a mind lassoed to a runaway imagination.

A ticket in my hand would see me quite unable to contain my excitement and my nine-year-old self would be frequently chastised for babbling incoherently about things prehistoric and charging chaotically around the house oblivious to the sharp edges of the coffee table.

I would camp out overnight for tickets. I wouldn't need to, because tickets would be available online, but my nine-year-old self would find camping out way more exciting. I would camp in the back garden, so it would not help ticket procurement greatly, but the shadows on the tent wall could be an unwieldy stegosaurus grazing on mum's daffs.

The day after I saw the show (ie, today) my nine-year-old self would dust down his masterwork The Lost Land of the Dinosaur and begin again where I left off, Part IV, Chapter 107 but, unable to contain my excitement at the magical spectacle I had witnessed the night before, and threatening to ruin the illustrations by colouring over the lines, my nine-year-old self would go into the garden and run round the rotary washing line for four hours until the adrenaline subsided.

The O2 was full of children, with their helium dino balloons and whirring dino colour fans, wildly excited, whipped up by parents asking them to gauge precisely how excited they were and would they sit back in their chairs as they were spilling their orange juice.

Spiral Notebook: Lists # 1

Hamlet's psyche test answers

1. To be.
2. Statement (b) is nobler than statement (a)
3. Fig (a) Hawk. Fig (b) Handsaw
4. Insania by Peter Andre

Captions from classic Punch pocket cartoons (1840-90)
"That'll be the third time the gaslight has flared on a Thursday,
Cecil. Do something."
"I only speak quickly, my darling, because time is not on our side."
"You may inquire, m'lud, but the ensuing confusion may bring
proceedings to an unscheduled halt."

Gordon Brown's favourite Kinks tracks
I'm Not Like Everybody Else
Ev'rybody's Gonna Be Happy
Where Have All The Good Times Gone
Dead End Street
You Still Want Me

Proverbs and Sayings
Things other than fire that you could fight fire with:
Water
Foam
Dry powder
Carbon dioxide
Angel hair pasta

Paul McCartney's early morning routine
7.30am. Wake up.
7.45am. Get out of bed.
7.50am. Drag a comb across my head.

Rampant Thesaurus goes to the movies
"Without beating about the bush, beloved, I'm not inclined to proffer
two hoots."
"Definitely returning, that's me!"
"Are you pursuing a conversation with the intention of engaging
myself? Are you pursuing a conversation with the intention of
engaging myself? Are you pursuing a conversation with the intention
of engaging myself? Because I'll be jiggered if I can identify
another soul to whom you could be directing your remarks."

Things you have mixed feelings about hearing from a complete stranger with whom you are trapped in an office lift.
1. "I only nipped out to go to the... uh oh."
2. "No, actually, this is good because we never really had a chance
to discuss what happened at Janice's party last year."
3. "I have an axe in my brief case if it comes to that."

– First published in The Wharf on July 30