It is with honour and a degree of bafflement that I have accepted the invitation to shape a possible future - although, clearly, not ours.A new take on the theory of vacuum instability suggests another universe could bubble up, erase us and take our place.
My role is to write a handover note for the new tenants with the accumulated wisdom of our 13billion years.
My rough draft is as follows:
■ If possible, evolve branches for arms. This would allow for photosynthesis, ensuring a personal oxygen supply, and might attract parrots which are a great party ice breaker.
■ You have to flush the toilet to get the hot water to work. I know!
■ Label all dead things from the outset. This will eliminate a lot of unpleasantness in the fields of paleontology, geology and religion.
■ Don't steal my pen.
■ 20 down in The Times crossword is Ephemeral. I repeat, ephemeral.
■ Giraffes. No, they're meant to look like that. We thought so too but we checked the instructions. Twice.
■ If you get a chance, try to import some men from Mars and some women for Venus. Not a biological imperative but I have this cracking idea for a book.
■ Oranges are not the only fruit.
■ Don't shirk on J-cloths, toilet rolls and teaspoons. You can never have too many.
■ If God gives you lemons, make Campari and soda.
■ Stick with steam. Oil is messy and will lead to cataclysmic bother. Same is true of the Dulux Once range.
■ Put it all on Stanley's Roustabout in the 2.30 at Wincanton.
■ Listen to the termites. They have the whole society thing down.
■ Feed children peanuts from an early age. If you don't, suddenly you can't eat dried roasted in economy class for "the welfare of other passengers".
■ Never go economy class.
■ Answers to the big questions: Double helix, no, yes, Darth Vader, "not to be", flux capacitor, 1966, parmesan and Bohemian Rhapsody.
■ Turn that frown upside down.
■ I said don't steal my pen.
■ Time is relative but come to a consensus quickly because, trust me, you don't want a steward's inquiry into the 2.30 at Wincanton.
■ No three positive integers a, b, and c can satisfy the equation an + bn = cn for any integer value of n greater than two. I'll explain later.
■ The following things are more trouble than they're worth: Jim'll Fix It, lip balm, 3G, masculine and feminine forms, democracy, two for £10 meals at Marks and Spencer, hotmail, Dyson, ITV3+1, Stockholm Syndrome, pomegranates, DIY, Beagle 2, candy floss, Semtex, chemistry, love and pandas.
■ I've left bleach in the cupboard and the details of a pizza place that delivers in the kitchen drawer.
Good luck!
