32 tell-tale signals that your lifestyle may not be all that you imagined for yourself.■ When you stand up, bits of dry breakfast cereal avalanche from the creases in your sweat top.
■ Your attempts at the Downward Facing Dog are followed by letters of complaint from the RSPCA.
■ You're not immediately repulsed by the thought of reclaiming that chest of drawers by the roadside.
■ You avoid visiting a dentist, Gap or doctor's surgery because there's not enough money in the world sufficient to compensate someone for studying you.
■ Floor food feels more nutritious.
■ Your pension plan has five numbers and a bonus ball.
■ Your belly button is a better source of surprises than iPod Shuffle.
■ You add a week on to Best Before dates for meat and dairy and add a year for Super Noodles.
■ The TV Times is a better guide to your week ahead than iCal.
■ You spend longer looking for new slippers than brogues.
■ You stop getting pizza delivered because you can't remember which parts of your hallway should be a cause of embarrassment.
■ Free stuff is unfailingly brilliant.
■ Water tastes funny and wrong.
■ Your computer mouse has evolved to incorporate the gunge in its tracking.
■ You watch University Challenge solely to cultivate people to hate.
■ Every day is a bad hair day because it's started collecting in balls under your bed.
■ Food tastes funny and wrong. Best add more curry powder.
■ You use the defence "you see monkeys doing it" much too often.
■ You've changed the setting on your weighing scales from stones to kilos because you the figures are meaningless and, at a pinch, 120kg could be good.
■ The dust on the window sill has begun to lithify.
■ Fresh air feels like a bath.
■ Five a day might be possible, if you could just get more time to yourself.
■ Your handkerchiefs are in 3D.
■ Global warming, poverty, religious division, conflict - let both sides come to a consensus, then you'll get on board.
■ Getting your hair cut is the closest thing you get to meaningful health care.
■ It takes a week for your sink to drain.
■ Shame replaces magnolia as your go-to hue.
■ You keep paying missold Payment Protection Insurance because you can't be bothered to stop the direct debit.
■ If it doesn't come away with a squirt of bleach, it must have been part of the pattern.
■ Weirdly, there's a lot of blue cheese in your diet, even though you've never bought any.
■ You find the crying child somehow cathartic because life is tough, everything is miserable and they might as well get used to disappointment and pain.
■ Modern life is funny and wrong. Best add alcohol.
