Giles Broadbent watches The Bill but there's help at hand if he loses the plot
Just watched an episode of The Bill. First for a long time. Loved it.
Only there was a problem with the script. It's just... no, let me show you.
SUNHILL POLICE STATION
DI Nixon: "Right, Leon I see you are looking at the CCTV footage of the mugging in Canley High Street in which a person was mugged by a mugger. I have a hunch this marks the return of the mugger Percy Snatch."
Leon: "Guv, you know I'm looking at CCTV footage of Canley High Street for evidence of a mugging by a mugger you think marks the return of Percy Snatch? Well, your hunch appears to be right."
"Great. I want a team watching Percy Snatch's house in relation to this mugging case which, as you may recall, we are dealing with now."
OUTSIDE PERCY'S SNATCH'S HOUSE
PC Taylor: "This is crazy. Just sitting outside the home of mugger Percy Snatch because he might be the mugger involved in that mugging in Canley High Street that took place earlier. All because of a hunch."
PC Brown: "Someone's in a bad mood. Out on the razz last night?"
SUPT HEATON'S OFFICE
Supt Heaton: "So, Nixon, we're watching mugger Percy Snatch because he might be the mugger in that mugging earlier in Canley High Street?"
"I had a hunch..." Radio crackles. "Excuse me sir."
PC Brown on radio: "Guv, we've just questioned a man matching the description of Percy Snatch because, as you may recall, earlier there was a mugging in Canley High Street and you said you had a hunch it could be mugger Percy Snatch who did the mugging which is why we questioned a man matching his description."
"And?"
"It's not Percy Snatch. Percy Snatch died last year."
Supt Heaton: "Nixon!"
Nixon : "I have to go PC Brown. Supt Heaton shouted 'Nixon!' indicating he wants to speak to me. You keep following the man we all thought was Percy Snatch but probably isn't due to the fact that Percy Snatch apparently died last year. I won't rest until we apprehend the mugger who was engaged earlier in the mugging in Canley High Street involving a mugger we originally thought was Percy Snatch but who now cannot be because you just told me that person died last year. I still have a hunch it's him."
Supt Heaton: "Nixon, I've just heard the mugger you thought was responsible for the earlier mugging in Canley High Street who was identified as mugger Percy Snatch cannot be him because he died last year. I further understand you still have a hunch it's still him. I'm backing you on this one Nixon although at the same time, your job is on the line."
CANTEEN
Leon: " DI Nixon's really putting her job on the line with her hunch about this mugger Percy Snatch what with her thinking he's the mugger what did the mugging earlier today. Tony? Are you listening to me?"
Tony: "I heard you."
Leon: "Someone's in a bad mood. Out on the razz last night?"
OPS ROOM
DI Nixon: "I need results. I'm going out on a limb and/or putting my job on the line with this hunch that, as you may recall, involves my contention that mugger Percy Snatch is not dead but mugging people."
DC Moss: "Er, guv?"
"Yes Stevie."
"I have news pertaining to the Canley High Street mugging case which, as you may recall, resulted in us pursuing a mugger we thought was Percy Snatch but could not have been Percy Snatch because he died last year. You're hunch was right. Percy Snatch didn't die last year. The man we thought was Percy Snatch lied to us and is, in fact, actually Percy Snatch. He has confessed to being the mugger who did the mugging in Canley High Street earlier. Which you may recall."
"Charge him, Stevie."
"Yes, guv. And guv..."
"Yes, Stevie."
"We never doubted your hunch in the case of the mugging in Canley High Street and its relation to the mugger Percy Snatch who, as you may recall, we are about to charge for crimes relating the Canley High Street mugging earlier because that's what you just told me to do."
"Thanks Stevie."
"And Guv, we're all going out on the razz later. You want to come?"
"I had a hunch you'd say that."
Laughter. Credits.
– First published in The Wharf on June 25
