I had heard talk of unnatural practices rampant in the sequestered south west, far from metropolitan reproach.
In pursuit of the unusual, I boarded the inaugural easyJet flight from London Southend (just down the A13 and so handy) for the brief hop to the weeny Newquay hub where we were greeted like messengers from Marathon.
Turns out the practices were prosaic and only unnatural because there is no way on God's green earth (in plentiful supply here) or, more pertinently, on His deep blue sea that a human being should aspire to ride the waves atop a weedy splinter.
I have surfed, suffice it to say. That I have not surfed well or upright is not where I shall dwell. Instead, I shall look down upon the Newquay beach from the ragged cliffs and admire the geometric waves, the cove-ridden headland and the bracing swirl of air.
Surfing brings the dudes in camper vans. We arrived too in such vehicles, available to hire, from the airport and, one cream tea (of many) later, we were relaxing in the faded chic of the Headland Hotel, a chip of granite speared to a spit and capable of evoking not only The Witches (the film was set here) but also the Famous Five and other adventurers who would thwart smugglers at their work.
Surfing is for surfers. Dipping one's toe in the water is a cliche for a reason. So I was quick to retreat to the other delights of this quintessential seaside town where the eternal majesty of the countryside collides, occasionally unhappily, with the down-at-heel B&B-ness of a seasonal resort.
Curious to find so many Germans. Less curious when it was revealed, rather bizarrely, that this is Rosamund Pilcher country (she of The Shell Seekers). Adaptations of her work are big on German TV, hence the invasion.
Best go down to the sea again. A trip from the picturesque harbour took us through the unforgiving waves (one was sea sick, the rest were smug) to see the birds clinging to the guano-flecked cliff face and, in one breathless encounter, to the seals who pop up like big-eyed hotel receptionists to check out what we're about before returning to the day job.
The biggest tourist attraction in the south west is the Eden Project, famous for its geodesic domes and flora collections. I am less enamored of plant-life than surfing but the place is a true diamond in a dirt quarry. Not so much the flowers but the ecology, the study of sustainability, the message of resource versus greed.
Who knew a cocoa bean was that small, or a banana palm so delicate, or the entire deal of feeding the world dependent on such fragile foundations? The longest zipwire in the UK was an eye-opener too.
And when all is done, the sunburn doused in moisturiser, the brolly freed of rain, the surfing muscles placated by soothing unguents, there is the eating.
We took a leisurely elaborate lunch at the cliff-top Lewinnick Lodge, dining with the avaricious seagulls and with a view along the fractal coast. Later an impressively low-key but delicious fish lunch was rustled up at the relaxed Rum and Crab Shack at St Ives.
But one place, above all, offers a siren song for foodies. Rick Stein's Padstow restaurant was chic simplicity itself and, so satisfied was I with my full stomach, my sated gills and my south west excursion I was prepared to take the howling derision for my one word review-cum-namecheck - "Brill".
Go to easyjet.com for details of flights and schedules. Flying time approx 50 minutes. Expect to pay around £30-£50.
THREE TO DO
1. Seal Cove Safari & Newquay Sea Safaris and Fishing
Annabelle and Chris Lowe run informative tours out of Newquay harbour along with cage diving and snorkelling
atlanticdiver.co.uk
2 Eden Project
Fascinating tour of the world's flora plus the new Rainforest Aerial Walkway and the longest zipwire in the UK
edenproject.com
3 Tate St Ives / Barbara Hepworth Museum & Sculpture Garden
Rotating exhibitions in the Tate plus a glimpse of sculptor's life and inspiration in higgledy-piggledy home in St Ives
tate.org.uk
USEFUL CONTACTS
■ Visit Newquay - visitnewquay.org
■ The Cornwall Camper Company - thecornwallcampercompany.co.uk
■ Headland Hotel, Newquay - headlandhotel.co.uk
