Giles Broadbent offers his professional medical opinion
Swine flu. It's right there in the name. You are going to feel down with swine flu whatever the symptoms. You are going to be thinking muck and germs and snot with swine flu. The whole thing needs a rebrand.
Would you honestly be laid low with leopard flu, peacock flu, dolphin flu, penguin flu? We should have a system, like naming hurricanes to keep us jolly in a crisis.
As a servant of the public health here is a checklist of the kind of flu you may have caught based on symptoms:
Ikea Flu: You just fall to pieces.
Itinerant flu: You're down in the dumps, morning, noon and night.
Beach flu: Comes and goes in waves.
Helium flu: You can't keep anything down.
Russell Brand flu: You work up a night sweat then feel nauseous.
New Labour flu: You are mired in a cesspool of your own corruption and turpitude.
Susan Boyle flu: You look pretty bad at first but you surprise everyone with a startling recovery.
Prescott flu: Nil by mouth.
Ricky Hatton flu: You're not likely to be at full strength any time soon.
Eurovision flu: Despite positive signs, you're completely out of it.
The Charlton flu: You're going down and there's nothing anyone can do.
Hong Kong Flu-ey: A mild-mannered version with a surprising kick.
• Some famous flus of the past:
Thin flan flu: Caught from eating emaciated quiches.
Fin fan flu: Caught from watching too many shark documentaries.
Fun fang flu: Caught from sharing plastic Dracula teeth.
Flue phew flu: Caught from a sense of relief that your chimney is clean.
Flume fume flu: Caught from noxious odours trapped in swimming pool tubes.
Flea fly flu: Spread by the blood of an Englishman, be he alive or be he dead.
Tutu Frou frou flu: Caught from showing off your flouncy designer clothes.
Fling flung rue flu: Caught from the regrets of a failed affair.
Wii, why mii too flu? Caught from engaging in a philosophical discussion with your games console.
Do rah me fah so la tee flu: Caught from fleeing nuns dressed in curtains.
Voodoo Lulu who flew through flu: Caught from a wee Scottish chanteuse-turned-witch doctor as she transfers flights without stopping to go through customs.
– First published in The Wharf on May 7, 2009
