I have not, in all honesty, been forced to ask this question much before but now it nags at my brain like a barbed wire bowler.
What should I wear? The talk is of nothing else. We press coat-hangered crustie-wear to our chests and size it up in full-length Oxfam mirrors.
We stomp up and down in mud-flecked DMs and pretend we're familiar with the form. We undo top buttons. We lick on tattoos.
In short, we are doing all we can to avoid becoming a pendulous ornament on the capital's lampposts.
I am no more an author of this recession than the next man (although the next man, in Canary Wharf, may well be The Man so it's best to despise everyone to be sure).
However, these protesters are targeting anyone who gives the impression that they are not immune to the lure of a well-pressed turn-up.
The advice has come thick and fast. No chinos, no deck shoes, no Pringles, no paisley. Nothing that smacks of dress-down-Thursday because these interlopers are savvy to our ways. Muzzy that hair. Unload those cargos. Curb that cuff.
But what's the correct balance - are jeans a bluff or a double bluff? Is a ripped knee in or outre? Is grim the new black? Is a BLiar T-shirt so, like, yesterday?
Are natural fibres a signal that I am as one with mother earth and embracing her fecundity. Or is that a typical example of bourgeoisie sheeploitation.
Is there a catalogue (Free, Man perhaps) which outlines what the anti-capitalist protester du jour is wearing?
Is organic cheesecloth the way to go or are we thinking Winter of Discontent drape?
Are clogs and a clutch practical yet stylish?
Are checks a demand for greater financial regulation or a pattern that could lighten that ghastly battleship grey boat-necked smock-tini?
These are important issues. Because when they talk of a clash between protesters and workers I hope to goodness we're talking fisticuffs because, quite frankly, if we're all wearing the same thing at the same party I'd simply die of embarrassment.
– First published on wharf.co.uk on April 1, 2009
